What's In My Mind
by Missbrown92
Summary: This is based on the night that Barbara Gordon shot by the Joker... This is also part 1 other parts will follow please let me know what you think :
1. Chapter 1

**_What's in my mind_**

I feel angry, annoyed, frustrated, revenge, pain, loss, anger, depression, my heart is broken, and my mind is so confused with mixed emotions. All I know is that my name is Barbara Gordon, I'm the daughter of Gotham's Police Commissioner Gordon, I was a librarian at Gotham's Library, & I was secretly a vigilante named Batgirl. Until one night when I was visiting my father at his house watching whatever was on TV at the time waiting for my father to come into the lounge room so I could put a movie on, then there was a knock on the door, didn't even think about looking out the window before opening the door, I was in a good mood that night, then the next thing I see is this huge red scary smile, & a man in a purple & green suit, saying "Good evening Miss Gordon is daddy home?"

BANG!

I flew across the room with this pain in my stomach my mind was confused asking myself 'did I just get shot?'Then my father came saw me lying on the floor in a pool of blood gasping & then Harley Quinn, Joker's girlfriend & partner in crime, not much of a partner but, started taking photos & they were all laughing in my face & my Father's. I could see him crying. I wasn't sure what was the expression on my face my mind was blank. They took my father & left me there in the pool of blood I thought I was going to die, sometimes I wish I did. I closed my eyes waiting but then he turned up, Batman. Batman saw that our door was wide open rushed in & found me lying on the floor I knew deep down Bruce panicked & I know he feels guilty to what happened he knew that the Joker was coming that night & knew that he wanted to kidnap my father but he didn't count on this. I heard him come through the door, to my surprise I opened my eyes & gasped his name 'Bruce'& that's all I kept saying until more words came out.

Barbara: "Bruce, Bruce, Bruce they took him." "They took dad."

Bruce: "I know Babs; I have to get you to a hospital."

Barbara: "Bruce..."

Bruce: "Babs it's going to be okay, it's going to be okay."

I knew he was convincing himself I didn't care about myself I worried about my father, but all I know I couldn't feel Batman pick me up & I couldn't feel my legs.

I felt bad for Alfred, Bruce's butler & guardian; he would have had to clean the blood from the Batmobile seats. I could see the face he would have had on his face; I could see the tears coming down his face knowing that the blood was mine I hope he doesn't see the photos that the Joker took.

By the time I realised that I was in the hospital was when I woke up again. I saw all the tubes & wires on me, I still couldn't feel my legs, but I thought it could be from the strong pain killers they might have given to me, I decided to see if I could find a doctor or Bruce or my father, I took off all the wires & tubes from myself & decided to get out of bed, but I couldn't move my legs I didn't understand why, so I took them out of the bed & sat there for a minute then I decided to get on my feet.

Bang...

That didn't work what is going on? Okay I'm going to have crawl out of this room & find someone. I headed for the door which was hard because I could only move along with my hands. I put my hand under the door & pulled it towards me it opened, nice. More crawling now I got half way through the hallway when I see the doctor's, nurses', Bruce's, my Father's face. My father ran over to me all I could say was 'Daddy what's wrong with me?' I saw him crying again. The nurses got me back to my room & hooked me back up to everything I had taken off, & waited for the doctor to come in & tell me what's going on.

Doctor: "I'm so sorry Barbara."

Barbara: "Get out!"

Silence...

Barbara: "GET OUT! ALL OF YOUS'! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! GET OUT!"

Jim: "Barbara."

Barbara: "Don't! Just get out dad please."

Jim: "Okay Babs, I'll be here if you need me okay?"

He gave me a kiss on the cheek & went out of the room. I opened up my mouth & started to scream! I wanted to die; I wanted to not be like this! The tears started to come out because of the pain, knowing that I couldn't walk again, not being able to feel my legs again, not being able to run, hop, jump & even fly or fight criminals & not being able to be Batgirl killed me. I didn't want to live I wish the Joker would come & finish me.

It took me a while to calm down but I still didn't want anyone to come in & see me like this. I've never wanted people to see me sad, so being depressed was worse. I could feel their eyes on me as I faced a way from the window; I knew they were all worried. I decided to see people & pretend that I was fine by putting on a happy face, which was easy. Until he came in, Dick the love of my life, but now it seemed impossible to be with him now especially since he had recently been left at the altar by Kory. I knew he loved her so much, & I knew that I was only a crush when he liked me, but oh well.

He came in, he flashed one of his big famous smiles & in his hands were bright yellow flowers, I guess to brighten my day up, the thought was nice.

Dick: "Hi, Babs..."

To Be Continued...


	2. Chapter 2

**_What's in my Mind_**

Part 2:

My mind is in a weird place, half of my brain is worried about my daughter, but the other half is wanting to hunt down that clown! Why her? Why my Barbara? She shouldn't be in this position. Lucky that Batman aka Bruce Wayne came in time before she slipped away. The horrifying pictures are stuck in my mind. Bruce has them or should I say Batman has them he told me he'll hold onto them I wanted them but I knew he was protecting myself & Barbara.

Barbara is asleep they operated on her, but they couldn't remove the bullet without making her condition worse. They told me the bad news that she will never walk again, she won't be happy. She's always been an active girl, gymnastics, athletics; I guess I can add crime fighting to the list. I wasn't happy when finding that out, I mean she's my little girl the last thing I wanted is for her getting into danger, so when she finally told me she was Batgirl I was a bit annoyed, but then understanding, Barbara has always gone out of her way to help people, so being Batgirl was another way of that.

I decided to get a breather I needed it; Bruce asked if he needed him to come along I said I'll be fine. He's a true friend he promised me when I found out about Barbara being Batgirl that he'll look out for her. When I got to the bathroom I looked at myself in the mirror & saw the bags under my eyes, my hair looks like it's gotten greyer, probably from all the extra stress & worrying about Barbara. I start to think about that night & now, this should not have happened! Why? Oh God why did this happen? I want to find him & kill him! The Joker when I get my hands on him I'll... I'll... poor Barbara. The tears started to build up where I couldn't hold them anymore, I don't know what to do I know I have to support Barbara, but knowing her she won't let me help, she's always been stubborn. What to do?

After all the crying & feeling useless & helpless I returned to the waiting room, that's one thing I hate waiting, especially when it has something to do with Barbara. The nurse final walks over & asks me if I'd like to see her & that she was in a deep sleep & wouldn't be able to hear me I told her I'd like to see her & she took me to her room. There she laid on the white bed as still as ever I wished I could put my arms around her but the nurse warned me about her back & the stitches she had. So all I did was kiss my daughter's forehead & whispered in her ear that I loved her. I stayed there in that room all night until another nurse came to me telling me that it was morning & that Mr. Wayne is back & wants to see me. I got up, Barbara was still sleeping she looked peaceful. I walked out of the room & there was Bruce Wayne sitting in a chair looking like he was about to fall asleep, I've heard so many times that he had fallen asleep in meetings at Wayne Enterprises, well what do you expect from someone who is out all night saving this city.

Jim: "Bruce."

Bruce: "Jim, how are you pal?"

Jim: "Not bad friend, want to get some coffee?"

Bruce: "Could use some."

Jim: "I can tell."

We got some coffee chatted a bit about business & then talked about anything & everything. He told me that Dick, his adopted son & someone who is very close to Barbara, well was I think, came to visit him & Alfred last night, & that he seemed distressed about Barbara. Bruce said he might possibly come to visit her.

A few hours later the doctor came & spoke to me & Bruce about how we were doing & how Barbara is doing & showing us charts about how bad her condition was. Then the next thing I saw was Barbara crawling towards us on the floor with a shocked look on her face like she wondering what was going on with her. I rushed over to her, I knew the tears were building up & letting go. All I heard her say was 'Daddy what's wrong with me?'I wanted to tell her but I knew that I couldn't & shouldn't. The doctor ordered the nurses to get Barbara back into her room & when ready to let him know so he can have a talk with her. While they were doing that the doctor grabbed me & Bruce & told us that she'll need all the support she can get when he tells her the bad news, so we agreed to be in the room as support for her, but still even if he didn't tell us I would have anyway.

Doctor: "I'm so sorry Barbara."

Barbara: "Get out!"

Silence...

Barbara: "GET OUT! ALL OF YOUS'! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! GET OUT!"

Jim: "Barbara."

Barbara: "Don't! Just get out dad please."

Jim: "Okay Babs, I'll be here if you need me okay?"

I kissed her on the cheek & walked out of the room & shut the door behind me. I felt a little hurt by her words, but I knew she needed her space I don't blame her I'd be the same. I met Bruce back in the waiting room I sat in the chair next to him not saying a word to each other. We could hear faint screaming from Barbara's room; she was letting it all out, which is needed.

After a while the screaming stopped, so I decided to check on her through the window as she wanted everyone out of her room. She was half turned on her bed. Her legs were still straight, but half of her back was turned, she was facing away from the window. I wanted to go in there & give her a huge hug & never let her go, but I knew the timing for that will come.

Eventually she allowed us to come in & see her. She put on a brave & happy smile, which I knew it was for show, I know my daughter too well; it was the same look that I saw when she'd been heart broken by...

'What is he doing here?' I thought. I looked over at Barbara & I knew that she was happy to see him like she is always. I know that he'll cheer her up but for how long?

To Be Continued...


	3. Chapter 3

**What's In My Mind**

_Part 3:_

_Everything is going through my head at the moment. I can't seem to think straight, one minute everything is okay & the next it's turned into the end of the world. But then it's always been like this since I can remember. I knew Joker was after Jim, but I didn't think he'd do this. But I never know what The Joker's plan is half the time I only know half of it. I wish I knew before I would have come sooner than later. Jim & I knew that the Joker had planned to kidnap him, torture him which is how I found him after taking Barbara to Gotham Hospital I knew I couldn't stay. The blood, the blood was all over the passenger seat, the smell made me sick. The Clown is lucky I didn't kill him that night. But when I got to the warehouse where Jim was he had already gone leaving his bombs alive..._

_We got out just in time it was close but. I put Jim on the back of my bike as Alfred was cleaning the Batmobile. I felt sorry for the old man, he was in tears when he found out what had happened._

_I lift Jim in the hospital, Barbara was out of the surgery, but she was sleeping & they weren't sure when she will wake up. _

_I went back on the bike, into the dark night with my dark thoughts of how I'd like to find the Clown & kill him once & for all, but I knew that wouldn't help Barbara's situation. I entered the Batcave to find the old man finishing with the Batmobile. I looked at him, his eyes were watery & puffy I knew he loved Barbara like she was family, in fact she was family, even though we had our differences & knowing that she & Dick were once together didn't help matters between us, but when Dick left us both we clinged to each other we were both hurt by his abusion especially her. I'd hear from Jim that he would hear Barbara cry at night over Dick, I knew he knew but I said nothing. Our kids were in love & _

_probably still are. I walked up to Alfred & the Batmobile, we stood there in silence for a while. I looked at my passenger seat seeing her almost slip away from me, seeing the pain she was in, hearing her scream as I picked her off the bloody floor she laid on. Tears started to roll down my face. I put my head in my hands, this was a moment for Bruce, not Batman to come out. Alfred put his hand on my shoulder while I'm talking into my hands saying 'Why Barbara, WHY?' _

_I cried for a while in the Batcave, Alfred went back to the Manor. I picked up the photos that were left on the floor around Barbara I got them before Jim could see them. I thought it was the best. I decided after having a long look at them that I'd file them away. But as I put the photos in an envelope I heard foot steps, heavy, loud foot steps. _

_Dick: "Where is he? Where's that Clown?"_

_Bruce: "Well hello to see you too."_

_Dick: "Don't start with me Bruce I'm not in the mood! Someone I love is in the Hospital because of that psycho Clown, so I want to know where he is Bruce."_

_Bruce: "What do you plan to do? The same thing I wanted to when I was at the warehouse looking for him & Jim & I only found Jim there. Its not going to help Barbara in anyway, you know that Dick."_

_Dick: "I don't care, he could have killed her! She could have died!"_

_Bruce: "But she's not."_

_Dick took a long pause. I could hear his brain doing overtime as he was trying to find something to say._

_Dick said "what's that?" As he looked at the envelope on my desk._

_Bruce: "It's nothing."_

_Dick: "Liar, what is it?"_

_Bruce: "I don't think its a good idea for you to see them."_

_Dick: "See them? No, Bruce you can't keep anything from me! Show them! Show them now!"_

_I took a deep breath & handed them to him. He took the photos out & looked & studied them for a while. I sat in my chair waiting for his reaction but instead he put them back into the envelope & headed back into the Manor. I sat in the cave for a long while until Alfred got me & took me to my room where my bed was waiting for me. Sleep is a stranger to me since becoming The Dark Knight I don't get much of it._

_The next morning I got up & went to see if Dick was awake but of course he was asleep, but I'm sure he had a restless night like I did. I decided I'd go & check on Jim & Barbara just before leaving Dick came into the Kitchen telling me that he was going to visit Barbara later & that he wanted to workout before he went there. I nodded my head & went on my way to Gotham Hospital. I found one of the nurses, I asked her if she knew where the Commissioner was & to let him know I was here. Waiting rooms not the happiest places to be in, but what can you do? Jim met me in the Waiting room._

_Jim: "Bruce."_

_Bruce: "Jim, how are you pal?"_

_Jim: "Not bad friend, want to get some coffee?"_

_Bruce: "Could use some."_

_Jim: "I can tell."_

_We went & got some coffee, chatted about anything to get our minds off the situation, but it was still there. I told him about Dick & how he was planning to visit Barbara. _

_A few hours went by & eventually the Doctor came to see us to talk about how Barbara was doing & showed us the charts on her condition: _

_Paraplegia, which is an impairment in motor or sensory function of the lower extremities & is usually the result of a spinal cord injury. She would be dependent on a wheel chair from now on. _

_The only thought that was in my head was poor Barbara. For someone like her to go through this, someone who was active & loved being Batgirl how was she going to take this. _

_Then the next thing I saw was Barbara on the floor crawling towards us, Jim rushed over to her I was close behind, all I could hear her say to Jim was 'Daddy what's wrong with me?' My heart stopped I didn't know what to do I stood there looking at her, frozen. The doctor ordered some nurses to put Barbara back into her room. He turned to Jim & I & told us she'll need the support when he tells her the bad news. Believe me it didn't go well._

_Doctor: "I'm so sorry Barbara."_

_Barbara: "Get out!"_

_Silence..._

_Barbara: "GET OUT! ALL OF YOUS'! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! GET OUT!"_

_Jim: "Barbara."_

_Barbara: "Don't! Just get out dad please."_

_Jim: "Okay Babs, I'll be here if you need me okay?"_

_I stood at the door waiting for Jim to leave the room, he walked out the door I stood there still looking at Barbara, she had her head down, she knew I was still in the room. I saw the tears start to roll down her face I knew it was time for me to go, she needed her space._

_I walked into the waiting room, sat in a chair. Jim came over & sat in the chair next to me we said nothing to each other. We could hear faint screaming coming from Barbara's room. I knew this wasn't going to be easy for her, we all did. After the screaming had stop I decided to leave the hospital I thought it was best to leave them on their own for a while. _

_I went to Wayne Enterprises I had things to go over with Lucius Fox. I got a phone call from Dick & Alfred asking how Barbara was & I told them how she was. Dick immediately I got his things ready to go & see her. I wanted to stop him, but I knew deep down he would be the one to cheer her up. _

_I hung up the phone & sat back into my chair in a deep thought:_

_'How did this happen?'_

_To Be Continued..._


	4. Chapter 4

**_What's in my Mind_**

Part: 4

Ahh... What a night, so much crime in Blüdhaven. My beloved city, Gotham is Batman's city but Blüdhaven is mine, all mine. I climb back into my window of my apartment thinking it's going to be a busy day for Officer Grayson in the morning. I lay down on my couch I find left over pizza in a box on my coffee table. Mmm... Still good.

After I finished the pizza I laid back down closed my eyes, I thought it was time for one of my cat naps. Just before drifting off into a deep sleep the phone rings. Oh Jesus who could this be? I pick up the phone.

Dick: "Dick Grayson speaking, this better be good at this hour."

Silence...

Dick: "Hello? Look punk I'm in no mood for your game if I..."

Alfred: "Sorry Master Dick, I umm..."

Dick: "Hey Al how are you? Are you okay? What's wrong?"

Alfred: "It's Miss Gordon Master Dick..."

Dick: "Barbara? How is she? She is alright? What's going on?"

I could hear Alfred's distressing voice as he's trying to keep calm.

Alfred: "There's been an incident Master Dick. Miss Gordon is in the hospital, she's been shot."

Dick: "What? What happened? Tell me Al, is she okay? Who shot her? Who did it Al?"

Alfred: "The Joker. The Joker shot Miss Gordon."

He started to cry while he spoke to me telling me what he knew. I froze listening & picturing the story going around my head I could feel this sharp pain in my chest. Then I told Alfred I'll be over tonight & hung up the phone. I turned on the TV the news was on & yes Barbara was on.

'Miss Barbara Gordon the daughter of Police Commissioner James Gordon has been taken to Gotham Hospital by the Batman after being found at the Commissioner's home with a gunshot wound in the back. It is believed that this is the workings of The Joker.'

I tighten my fist & punched into the TV screen, it cracked & crumbled, but I wasn't finished with it, I picked it up & threw it across the room. I felt the anger in my veins. I grabbed anything & everything that wasn't pinned down & threw it across the apartment, I could hear myself screaming & yelling as I did this. Why Barbara? Why tonight? WHY? Why the woman I've love since I can remember, the woman I still want to be back with, the woman I'm in love with, the woman I imagine I'd one day marry & have children with. Why her?

After a while I fall to my knees & put my head down & I started to cry. Yeah I know what you're thinking Dick Grayson crying over some chick, but Barbara was different, my first love I thought it was always just a young boy's crush but it seemed more when we got together I knew she was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but Bruce made it all difficult & she being a bit older than me became a drama. When I left I said things to her that hurt her. I thought she wanted Bruce & not me, but leaving made me realise I was wrong. I use to watch her in her room without her knowing. She cried so much I could feel my heartbreak by every tear. But then Kory came along she made my heart heal but loving her wasn't the same. I did love her it's not like I didn't but just wasn't the same feelings I had for Barbara. Kory knew I loved Barbara & probably knew I loved her more too maybe that's why she left me, but in a way I am thankful I didn't want Kory to be hurt more. I think to myself I had so much time to get back with Barbara but I knew she wouldn't when Kory left Earth Barbara was dating some guy. I didn't like him of course he was a dickhead, but she of course get rid of him before he got clingy. Barbara was like that she didn't like getting close to someone especially someone she has to keep secrets from she felt it was the best for them, but with others like Bruce & I she could be her playful self she loved to give me a challenge

& I loved her for that. I remember she asked me to teach her how to fly that was a fun night. I know it took her & Bruce time to get along but in my absence Bruce & Barbara got really close. Now she's in the hospital shot down by The Joker, she wasn't even in costume, if she was she would have, would have... No use thinking about it it's just going to get me upset more. I decided to lie down on my cold floor. My Nightwing costume wasn't keeping me warming but cooling down is what I needed.

I don't know how long I was lying there but I felt someone's hand on me & I quickly grabbed it.

Tim: "Ahh, Dick it's me Tim."

Dick: "Tim?"

Tim: "Yes Tim, you idiot let go bro."

I let go of his hand & he was quick to rub it better.

Dick: "Sorry, but what are you doing here?"

Tim: "I came to see how you were doing?"

Dick: "I'm doing just fine."

Tim: "Oh yeah & your apartment looks brilliant. Doesn't look like a bomb hit it at all."

I gave him the death stare. I knew where he was getting at. I treated Tim like a little brother; he looked up to me unlike Jason who had an attitude. Tim & I trained together sometimes teaching him different styles & techniques, he's pretty good well now he is before he might have taken down a guy after a half hour. But he's a smart kid a bit brainy like Babs good with computers, me not that great on them; I'll ask him or Babs if I have any dramas.

Tim was still staring at me & me at him, then he tried to find a spot to sit & crossed his legs & looked up at me waiting for me to do something. I gave in, he knew me too well just like Babs did. I sat somewhere close to him & strenghted my arms up into the air, kept them up high until my back cracked.

Tim: "So, how are you really feeling?"

Dick: "You're not going to stop are you?"

Tim: "What do you think Dick?"

I rolled my eyes at him he just grinned. Damn now I'll have to open up to him.

Dick: "I feel, I feel... I feel lost. I feel like this is just a dream. Like the conversation I had with Alfred, the News thing about Barbara is just a dream. I'll go to sleep & tomorrow everything will be fine again."

Tim: "It's not a dream Dick, I know I went in the hospital after Bruce left to get Gordon, she was so still, but there was so much blood it made my stomach turn Dick."

I swallowed hard I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

Dick: "Do you know if she will make it?"

Tim: "I believe she will, but apparently she was close."

The thought of losing Barbara forever made the tears start again I tried to hold them back but it didn't work. Tim was teary too not only did he look up to me, but he looked up to Babs as well, she was like the big sister he can go to about anything they were close. That's what I worried about too, telling Tim how I felt about Barbara worried me thinking he would tell her but he never did he told me it was my job to do it & he knew she still loved me too. Why didn't I make a move before all this?

We sat there for a while & then Tim got up & told me he was leaving back to Gotham he had school in the morning. I said my goodbyes & locked my window up, changed out of my Nightwing costume into a shirt & jeans. Packed a small bag to take to Bruce's place, rang work told them the situation they gave me the week off, which is good in a way I have no idea how long I'll be in Gotham. Went down stairs to go to the garage where my car & bike were, one of my good neighbours Mr Peterson pop his head out the door of his apartment to see how I was I said I was fine & he said he heard the noises from my apartment & I told him something bad had happened in Gotham & I'm going there now & I'd explain when I got back. The Peterson's were the best neighbours they knew who I was it was an accident how they found out I was injured & needed help. One night after battling the Riddler in one of his mazes I was too injured to fly up to my apartment window so I went through alleys & back roads to keep myself hidden as my costume was a bit damaged. I had to break through the apartment pack, no key; my costume doesn't come with pockets. Mr Peterson heard the noise I was making & went down the stairs with a baseball bat to attack. Thank God he didn't because I was hurt enough. He saw who I was Nightwing & called for his wife she raced down the stairs as fast as she could. She helped her husband carry me into their apartment & where they both nursed me. When I regained my strength I told them thanks for helping me & left through their apartment window, my mind was still deciding on whether or not to tell them it was me. When I got into my apartment I thought what the hell who are they going to tell they leave their apartment unless it's to go to the park or doctors they only get visitors at Christmas, so I thought I should tell them. I knocked on their door & they told me about how Nightwing was in the building & was hurt & how they nursed him I just smiled they were so excited. I asked them if they would like to come to my apartment as I had something they must see & they accepted. When I got to my door if they would close their eyes & that I was going to hurt them it was just a surprise & they did. I opened my door & walked them to a spot, closed the door & told them to open their eyes they looked around my apartment looking for something but there was nothing they started to get worried until I clicked a button & revealed the Nightwing costume. Their eyes lit up but Mr Peterson asked me if I bought it or something but I told him no I was actually Nightwing. They couldn't believe it but eventually did. Mrs Peterson bakes me cookies & sometimes a roast dinner may come my way as I don't cook much, she's a doll.

I got to the garage & got on my bike turned it on the raw of the engine cleared my mind. I drive off heading towards the freeway that leads to Gotham.

I finally get to Bruce's house it's still dark I press the remote for the gates to open; yeah I still have a few things to this house made sure I didn't leave without them for whenever I need access to the Batcave. I stop my bike at the front entrance I thought I'd say hi to Alfred first. I knock on the door the old man answered it. I looked at him & saw his red puffy, tired, old eyes I couldn't help but give a huge hug & led him back inside. He told me that Bruce was back & that he was still down in the Batcave so I left Al so he could clean up & go to bed. I went into the study one of many but this one had the secret entrance into the Batcave. I remember when I first came here I was playing hide & go seek with Alfred & I discovered the entrance & not thinking I went in there & hid. I couldn't believe my eyes I don't know how long I was down there for might have been hours but Al found me staring at the Batsuit that's when Bruce told me about why he became Batman. I told him I wanted to be his partner as he knew what I had been through himself he thought about it & decided to train me. Sometimes I miss those times I had with Bruce as I got older our relationship started to change but he's still my father. I walked down into the Batcave & I found Bruce sitting deeply in his chair the rage started to build up again.

Dick: "Where is he? Where's that Clown?"

Bruce: "Well hello to see you too."

Dick: "Don't start with me Bruce I'm not in the mood! Someone I love is in the Hospital because of that psycho Clown, so I want to know where he is Bruce."

Bruce: "What do you plan to do? The same thing I wanted to when I was at the warehouse looking for him & Jim & I only found Jim there. It's not going to help Barbara in anyway, you know that Dick."

Dick: "I don't care, he could have killed her! She could have died!"

Bruce: "But she's not."

My brain was working over time trying to find something to say until I saw it.

Dick said "what's that?"

As I looked at the envelope on his desk."

Bruce: "It's nothing."

Dick: "Liar, what is it?"

Bruce: "I don't think it's a good idea for you to see them."

Dick: "See them? No, Bruce you can't keep anything from me! Show them! Show them now!"

Bruce paused & kept hold of the envelope for a minute & then let out a deep breath & handed me the envelope I took it without thinking twice but I wished I had. There were photographs in the envelope I took them out I saw that they were of Barbara laying on the floor in a pool of blood & the Joker playing with it made my stomach turn. I studied the photos each & everyone, I saw the shock in Barbara's eyes & also in Jim's, I can't believe this happened especially to her; she will never be the same. Once I had looked at them I put them back into the envelope gave it back to Bruce & went back into the Manor & retreated into my room where I could try & get some sleep after all the crying that is.

In the morning I heard Bruce & Alfred talking in the kitchen I thought I'd better get up. I walked into the kitchen Bruce was getting ready to leave. I told him I was going to go to the hospital to see Barbara later because I wanted to work out before I did. He just nodded; he probably knew I was going to punch the bag out for a while maybe put a photo of the Joker. It was on my mind but I thought I might leave until I actually saw him.

I had my breakfast first, Alfred mind sure of that, let's see cereal, followed up by bacon & eggs, then two slices of toast & two glasses of milk. I'm a growing boy. Hit the gym down in the Batcave, punched the bag, skipped rope, weights & more, it felt good but.

After I was finished went upstairs had a shower & got ready to go & see Barbara. Alfred told me to give her his love & that he'll be up there as well soon. Hopped on the bike again & drove off to the hospital.

When I got into the hospital I went to the gift shop I thought I better buy some flowers, bright ones too, might cheer up me. I walked into the waiting room looking around for Commissioner Gordon, but he wasn't there so I went looking for Barbara's room. Found it! Okay Dick take a deep breath you can do this. I walked in the slight of her made me smile I forgot about her being in a hospital bed or that she was in the hospital. Her face lit up so brightly made my heart feel so warm.

Dick: "Hi, Babs..."

To Be Continued...


	5. Chapter 5

**_What's in my Mind_**

Part: 5

Dick's mind: When I got into the hospital I went to the gift shop I thought I better buy some flowers, bright ones too, might cheer up her. I walked into the waiting room looking around for Commissioner Gordon, but he wasn't there so I went looking for Barbara's room. Found it! Okay Dick take a deep breath you can do this. I walked in the slight of her made me smile I forgot about her being in a hospital bed or that she was in the hospital. Her face lit up so brightly made my heart feel so warm.

Barbara's mind: It took me a while to calm down but I still didn't want anyone to come in & see me like this. I've never wanted people to see me sad, so being depressed was worse. I could feel their eyes on me as I faced a way from the window; I knew they were all worried. I decided to see people & pretend that I was fine by putting on a happy face, which was easy. Until he came in, Dick the love of my life, but now it seemed impossible to be with him now especially since he had recently been left at the altar by Kory. I knew he loved her so much, & I knew that I was only a crush when he liked me, but oh well.

He came in, he flashed one of his big famous smiles & in his hands was bright yellow flowers, I guess to brighten my day up, the thought was nice.

Dick: "Hi Babs…"

Barbara: "Hi Dick, have you come to feel sorry for me?"

I looked down at my hands as I said it, I was angry that him came to see my like this but at the same time happy he came, but I wasn't going to tell him that.

Dick: "Well no, I thought I'd come & visit you & bring you some flowers & see if you want to play some cards like we use to when someone was in a bad way."

Barbara: "Well you're wasting your time on me I'll never get out of this bed."

Dick: "Don't be so dramatic Babs you will get out of this bed."

Barbara: "Why did you come?"

I shot her a sharp look I couldn't believe she ask me something like that! The woman I love ask me such a question & look right through me, made me angry.

Dick: "Do you want me to go? Because I'd be happy just to leave you here to wallow in yourself pity."

Barbara: "My self-pity? My self-pity? Is that what you think? I can't walk! I got shot by a mad man who laughed in my face as I laid there scared! I thought I was dying I wished I had died but if it wasn't for Bruce who found in on the floor I would have been! I wish he had left me there to die!"

Dick: "Don't say that!"

Barbara: "Don't say what, Dick? I wished the Joker would come back & finish me off! I wish he had killed me that night because I wouldn't be here!"

Dick: "That's so selfish of you! You of all people to be that low, that selfish, you're unbelievable!"

Barbara: "That's rich coming from you. Where were you when I needed you the most?"

I knew she'd do this to me I felt guilty enough, but to make me feel worse was Barbara's little trick.

Dick: "I'm sorry I haven't been around lately, but I knew was around I would track him down & kill him! I would make him suffer just as much as you are right now so he knows your pain!"

I wish I could tell him how much I love him but I don't think I can. I just kept looking at my hands & started to cry. The next thing I knew was Dick wiping my tears away & holding my hands & look straight into my eyes.

Dick: "Don't cry any Babs. It's over now. I'm here & I'm not leaving your side again."

I smiled. I knew no matter where he was he'd be there for me.

Barbara: "I like the flowers, they're so bright."

I still held onto her hands it was nice to be in her company again even though she was in a hospital bed.

Dick: "So, up for a game of cards?"

Barbara: "I'd like that."

After hours of playing cards Barbara started falling asleep. I stayed in her room the whole night Nightwing was off duty tonight Robin said that he'd do my duty in my beloved city tonight. I was staring out the window of a city I called home once, Gotham, it hasn't changed. The big old bat was watching over it as usual.

Barbara: "Dick..."

I turned around to see she was still asleep but I sat in the chair beside her, oh how peaceful does she look when she's asleep. I brushed her hair back & in her sleepy state she smiled & grabbed my hand & pulled it under her. I started to get sleepy so I kissed her on the forehead & whispered "I love you" to her. Because at this moment I knew we could never be but I would always love her.

I woke up being stiff & my hand was numb, but I could hear some cute giggle as I woke.

Barbara: "Well good morning Boy Wonder."

Dick: "Good morning Babs, how are you today?"

Barbara: "Same as I was yesterday, still hoping this was all a dream, but it isn't."

Dick: "I wish it was too."

Barbara: "I can't believe you stayed the night."

Dick: "Why would I go?"

Barbara: "I thought the nurses would have kicked you out."

Dick: "I told them I can't leave your side as you looked like an angel when asleep."

Barbara: "Oh an angel now?"

Dick: "You've always been my angel Babs you should know that."

I just smiled, I knew he was just trying to make me feel better & it was working.

The nurse came in & gave me breakfast but I wasn't hungry. Dick was hungry & he would eat anything even hospital food. He tried to feed me like I was a baby; it was amusing but annoying at the same time especially when he did the airplane.

Dick: "Here comes the airplane!"

Barbara: "I can feed myself Dick. I just can't move my legs & I'm not hungry!"

Dick: "Oh come Babs you have to eat something."

Barbara: "Hospital food? You want me to eat hospital food?"

Dick: "Oh what you want me to go out & buy you McDonalds?"

Barbara: "Well it's better than this."

Dick: "Even so, I'm still going to this to you."

Barbara: "Do what? Oh no!"

Dick: "Here comes the airplane."

Barbara: "I'll put that airplane where the sun don't shine in a minute if you don't quit it!"

Dick: "You're so grumpy when you're sick."

Barbara gave the biggest death I have ever seen in my life she seriously wanted to kill me. I couldn't help but laugh! If looks could kill that look could have killed me 300 times.

Dick: "Hahaha, you seriously think you can kill me with a look?"

Barbara: "Who said I wanted to kill you?"

Dick: "That look did"

Before Barbara could reply the doctor came in.

Doctor: "How are we today Barbara?"

Barbara: "Same as before, in a hospital bed with no feeling in my legs."

The doctor ignored what she had said & went on reading her charts. And then the doctor ordered some nurses to come in & asked if I could leave as they were going to give her a bath & do exercises so she won't get blood clots. I kissed her forehead & promised to see her later.

As I was walking out of the room I had one look back at her, in her eyes I could see she didn't want me to go, but I knew I had to. Back to the Manor I go.

To be continued...


	6. Chapter 6

_**What's in my Mind**_

Part 6

I got on my bike & drove back to the Manor. The gates opened up for me when I clicked the button on the remote. I saw Alfred at the door, I stopped my bike and walked towards him.  
Alfred: "Good morning Master Dick, breakfast?"

Dick: "Good morning Al, love some thanks."

We walk into the kitchen. I pull up a seat while I watched Alfred prepare my breakfast.

Alfred: "How's Miss Barbara?"

Dick: "She's umm she's doing okay."

Alfred: "Okay?"

Dick: "You know Babs as well as I do she's not one to have people feel sorry for her."

Alfred: "Miss Barbara is a strong woman but even strong women like her need someone there for her."

Dick: "She won't let me now, she never let me in before she definitely won't now."

Alfred: "You'll just have to keep trying Master Dick. I've watched both of you grow up here in the Manor both as your different personas but one thing I've always known that you both love each other."

Dick: "I don't know what to do Al, it's just so hard."

Alfred: "It's not hard you both make it hard."

Alfred puts a plate of food in front of me along with a knife and fork.

Alfred: "I'll leave you to eat. Leave the dishes in the sink I shall wash them when I get back."

Dick: "Where are you going?"

Alfred: "I'm going to visit Miss Barbara at the hospital. I shalt be too long."

Dick: "Okay Al, I'll see you when you get back."

Alfred: "I shall to you Master Dick."

I went and got my coat and hat. Walked towards the garage and got into one of my favourite cars the Rolls Royce Silver Shadow series 1 the colour was white. One of the most classic cars. Drove out of the garage clicked the button for the gates to open & off to the hospital I went.

Got to the hospital went to the reception asked them where I could Miss Barbara's room the receptionist was very young and very pretty she told me it was room 338. I got to room 338 knocked on the door Miss Barbara was looking down when she said come in.

Alfred: "Well good morning Miss Barbara."

Barbara: "Good morning Alfred, I thought you were someone else coming into the room."

Alfred: "That's alright Miss Barbara you've probably had a lot people visit you already."

Barbara: "I've had quite a few. The doctors and nurses are a pain but, I want to go home but it's impossible."

Alfred: "Nothing is impossible Miss you just need to believe that you will."

Barbara: "But Alfred, look at me."

Alfred: "I am looking Miss Barbara and I see the girl that I remember entering the Batcave after finally getting accepted by the Batman which you thought would never happen. That same girl who left one of Bruce Wayne's parties because Batman had been called and I had to cover for you to your father where you had gone to."

Barbara: "That's because you caught me getting changed in one of the many rooms in that house. I thought I had been busted for sure. Why didn't you tell on me to my father, Bruce & Dick?"

Alfred: "I'm good at keeping secrets Miss Barbara."

Barbara: "Oh Alfred!"

She leaned over and gave me a big hug. It was probably the first one she had given to me for a while. I missed her hugs they were always so warm and nice, she was always such a lovely little girl growing up with just her father. How much she changed, so much. How much they both have.

Alfred: "Well I must be off before Master Dick gets hungry and eats the whole cookie jar. Have you been eating Barbara?"

Barbara: "No, not really I don't like hospital food much."

Alfred: "I shall make something nice for you and get Master Bruce or Master Dick to give it to you."

Barbara: "Oh, thank you Alfred."

Alfred: "I shall see you again soon Miss Barbara."

Barbara: "You too Alfred."

I walked out of the room. My chest felt heavy I knew it had something to do with Barbara; I tried not to think about it too much on the drive home. Once the car was in the garage I turned off the engine and sat there for a while. Thinking back on when I met her, it was just after her mother had left James Gordon, the little girl didn't want to leave her father's side. I use to babysit her while the parties were going on in the big dining room. I would give her milk and cookies, and things to do like paper and pens to colour kept her entertained for hours. After a while she would get sleepy, so I put her in one of the many rooms in the Manor while James was in the party, the room was the same room I found her changing into her Batgirl costume. She was so scared that I would tell her father but I promised not to say anything as I believed it was something she would have to tell her father not me. Time went by while I was in the car thinking, until I heard the passenger door open and someone hopped in and sat there for a bit before they spoke.

Bruce: "I heard you went to the hospital."

Alfred: "Yes Master Wayne I did."

Bruce: "And?"

Alfred: "I still can't believe this happened to a girl I watched grow up into the woman she is. I cleaned her blood out of the seat of the Batmobile trying to hold back the tears and even after seeing her in the hospital bed I still can't believe it."

Bruce: "Do you think that she's going to jump out of the bed and be okay? Or that this is a horrible nightmare cooked up by some mad man?"

Alfred: "Yes I do Master Wayne."

Bruce: "So do I Alfred, so do I."

I couldn't hold on any longer I let tears fall once again on my old wrinkly face. I took a hanky out of my suit. I could feel Master Wyane's hand on my shoulder and his body moving as he was crying once again as well.

After we had shred our tears again we both got out of the car and went into the Manor.

Alfred: "What do you think will happen to Miss Barbara now, Master Wayne?"

Bruce: "Nothing bad I hope."

To be continued...


	7. Chapter 7

_**What's in my Mind**_

Part 7

I'm sitting on my bed of course not like I can go anyway, I'm strapped up on so many machines which all beep and make all different noises. My father brought me some books to read but I couldn't be bothered to read books I've read a million times, I mean I am a librarian. So I'm just sitting and waiting for the next nurse to walk in.

I thought too soon.

Nurse: "Hello Miss, how are we feeling today?"

Barbara: "I'm fine."

Nurse: "That's good. We're going to start our physical therapy today."

Barbara: "Physical therapy?"

Nurse: "Yes ma, physical therapy we're going to get you on your feet and move your muscles so you don't get blood clots."

Barbara: "Isn't that why the nurses massage my legs?"

Nurse: "Yes, but doesn't always do the trick plus this will help you move around in a chair once you're out."

My life chair in for the rest of my life, I don't know why but the thought made me want to cry and I did.

Nurse: "Don't cry dearie everything will be okay you'll see, soon you'll get use to the idea moving around in a chair."

Barbara: "I guess so."

The nurse helped me get into a wheel chair and wheeled me around the hospital. She told I'll be doing for myself in no time. We arrive to the gym where we would start our physical therapy. The work out was intense and scary. Every time she touched my legs my mind knew that she was but I couldn't feel anything, I miss that feeling. She taught me how to use my arms to move around and practiced getting into the wheeled and other chairs that were in the room. I seriously think this was harder than the work outs I did in the Batcave. After the therapy took me into my room and she went to lift me back into the bed but I stopped her and told her that I could do it, so you stayed back and watched me carefully while I got myself on to the bed.

BANG!

I didn't make it. The nurse picked me up and put me on the bed, she told me that it was a good try and I almost made it and maybe if I caught trying I'd get it, but I didn't want to keep trying I wanted to do it now!

I sat on the bed with my head down. Why such a simple thing be so hard? Why did this happen to me? I wish I could fly again. With that thought I started to tear up again. I started to feel tired and run down I closed my eyes and had a nap.

KNOCK, KNOCK!

I opened my eyes and I saw Dick standing at the doorway holding a container.

Dick: "Hi, am I disturbing you?"

Barbara: "No you're not; I needed to get up anyway."

Dick: "I can go if you like so you can continue sleeping you looked so peaceful."

Barbara: "No, it's fine. What's in the container?"

Dick: "Oh, Alfred wanted me to give you this as I told him I was coming up to see how you are."

Barbara: "Oh that was sweet of him."

Dick walks over and brings the table over and put the food in front of me it smelt so good. I open it up it was chicken parmigiana with vegetables. I dig in!

Dick: "So, how are you?"

Barbara: "I'm fine."

Dick: "Yeah?"

Barbara: "Yeah. I had physical therapy today."

Dick: "Oh yeah, how was it?"

Barbara: "Yeah wasn't bad."

Dick: "What did you do?"

Barbara: "Stretchers, getting in and out of the chairs, and learning how to use the wheelchair."

Dick: "Sounds like fun."

Barbara: "Yeah I guess."

Dick: "Babs you'll get there okay it will take a bit of time but we'll get there okay."

I took in what Dick said to me and continued to eat my food I liked him being over for me it was nice. We continued to talk and he told some really stupid jokes to make me laugh which worked. But the next thing we heard weren't the best things to hear.

BANG, BANG, BANG!

*SCREAMS*

Dick: "What the?"

Dick looked down the hall and all I could see were the nurses running down the hall in fright. Dick turned away he went white!

Barbara: "What's going on?"

Dick: "You gotten get out of here!"

Barbara: "What why?"

Dick: "He's here! THE JOKER IS HERE!"

Barbara: "So let him in. Let him finish me."

Dick: "You did not just say that to me? You are Barbara Gordon the Commissioner's daughter, Batgirl! You are the most wonderful person in the world and you want some sadistic clown to win? Well I'm not going to be here to watch you die!

I knew he was right. I'm being stupid I need to get out of here I don't want to die. I was close to it before and now again. I can't let anyone hurt more.

Barbara: "Dick! No! Wait! Get me out of here!"

Dick surprised ran back picked me out of the bed and just as we got to the window I could hear the Joker's laugh and ranting about coming to finish me off. I grabbed a hold of Dick so tightly he held me tight and told me to hold on which I do. We flew out of the window and headed to his bike and rode to Bludheaven.

When we got to his apartment we entered his little cave full of all his Nightwing equipment. He carried me into his apartment; he placed me in his armchair and got on the phone to Bruce. I looked around his apartment it was a big mess!

Dick on the phone: Hello Bruce, I got Barbara out of the hospital before the Joker came to get her. She's at my apartment; she'll be safe here for now. I'm going after him I need to make sure she'll be safe before going back to Gotham.

Dick got off the phone and put the phone on a table.

Barbara: "Well what happened here? Looks like a bomb hit it!"

Dick: "Yeah Tim said the same thing."

Barbara: "Well what happened?"

Dick: "I got some really horrible news which made me angry and upset and I trashed the place."

Barbara: "Oh."

I knew it was about me. At least I hope it was about me. If it is maybe there's hope after all? Maybe?

There was a knock on the door Dick answered it, there was a little old lady outside his door to check that he was finally home and that they looked after his apartment while he was in Gotham and hoped everything was okay with his friend. Dick told her that everything was fine and that his friend was safe and fine. She gave him a plate of food and took off.

Barbara: "Weren't you going to introduce me to your neighbour?"

Dick: "You'll meet them soon enough. I don't have time at the moment. Here."

He handed me the plate of food it was mash potato, sausages and gravy, which was still hot. I asked him for a fork and knife and he got up and got me some. I asked him if he wanted any he said no.

Dick: "I'm going to Gotham and Bruce and I are going to hunt the clown I want you to stay here don't call anyone to come and get you okay. My neighbours watch this place so they'll tell me if someone comes here."

Barbara: "If you can't tell already I'm comfortable here. Is your laptop still working?"

Dick: "Yes why?"

Barbara: "Pass it to me."

Dick looked at me weirdly but gave me the laptop. I opened it up and remembering the software the BatComputer uses I logged onto the BatComputer. Of course I got through the WayneTech codes and etc, but of course Bruce was on the other line.

Batman: "What are you doing Barbara? Are you alright?"

Barbara: "Yes I'm fine Batman thanks for asking I want to help."

Batman: "Help?"

Barbara: "Yes help. I can help you and Dick with the search for the Joker. While you're looking for him I can be your guild into the warehouse he's in and tell you how many guards are there and etc."

Batman: "I already have an idea to where the Joker is hiding."

Barbara: "But I just found the correct address. Oh and he has 20 guards 5 at each entrance."

Batman: "Okay you can help we'll be wearing ear pieces so you can direct us."

Barbara: "Okay."

…


End file.
